Being and Becoming Family

Last summer I got married officially. (I was married legally at a notary public the summer before, but until you exchange vows and rings, it's not really official, in my book.) My folks flew over from Canada, along with my sister's kid, Justin, and my brother flew in from the the US where he and his fiancee live. It was a great time. One of the things that I've always wanted to post was my dad's message to us at the church. (He was the one who married us.) Here it is, in English and Chinese:

BEING AND BECOMING FAMILY

A Wedding Meditation for Anthony and Vanessa

AUGUST 7, 2004, Taipei, Taiwan

This is a wonderful day, especially for you, Anthony and Vanessa, but also for your friends and families who are here to celebrate your love and the fact of the establishment of another family.

Anthony, your mother and I have known since you were a child just how important family is to you. Vanessa, we have known you for only a couple of years, but in that short time we have been delighted by your eagerness to enter into our family circle. We sense that the idea of family is very important to you as well, and we welcome you into our family with open arms and hearts.

Today you are publicly declaring to each other, to God, and to your families and friends that you wish to establish a new and a true family. It is most assuredly one of the most important things you will ever do.

The idea of family is a common one, and the term is often used rather easily and flippantly. We hear about the need to recover family values. Often this is nothing more than a narrow partisan or political agenda, and has nothing to do with what we're celebrating today.

But a genuine concern for the value of the family and all those values which contribute to strong families is of surpassing importance.

We don't have to look far to see the ravages wrought by weak families. Husbands and wives are diminished, children are devastated, communities are weakened. Far too many people don't value the family enough and are not prepared to commit themselves to the demands and discipline of being family.

Although I don't know what the situation is here in Taiwan, Statistics Canada reports that almost half of all Canadian marriages will end in divorce. Think of that! All those nervous grooms, all those radiant brides, standing side by side just as you are today, making their promises to each other, feeling that nothing can ever come between them. Almost half of them will some day stand alone in a lawyer's office or a divorce court, their hopes and expectations and plans and dreams shattered.

But there are also those others whose marriages continue happily year after year, growing and developing, weathering crises of illness, finances, employment, and sometimes, children! Anthony, 6 days ago your mother and I celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. During our engagement period, I often thought about how wonderful it would be to spend my whole life with her, to raise a family, eventually to welcome grandchildren into our circle, and to grow old with a person whom I love deeply, whom I trust completely and from whom I don't have to hide anything. I can tell you that being married to your mother has always been a wonderful experience, but never more so than right now, and both of us wish that same joy and fulfillment for the two of you.

Today you are saying yes to becoming and being a family, and all of us here are committing ourselves to supporting you in this great project.

Establishing a family is a huge responsibility, and we all do well to accept whatever wisdom we can from whatever source available. Dr. Maurice Boyd, senior minister for many years at Metropolitan United Church in London, Canada, has written a book of sermons entitled "A Lover's Quarrel with the World". In one chapter, a wedding sermon, he offers some suggestions for happiness at home.

The first thing is to realize that the happiness of at least two people is in your hands, you and your spouse. W. B. Yeats put it this way, "I have spread my dreams under your feet. Tread softly, for you tread on my dreams". Look at each other often and think... that person, that life, is in my hands.

The second ingredient is to understand what Jesus meant when He said that when people marry they become one flesh. It means far more than just sexual union, although that is most certainly part of it. It means that your lives are completely intertwined; the well-being of one is inextricably bound up with that of the other. You are partners, not competitors.

A third ingredient is shared values. It doesn't mean that you will necessarily always be interested in the same things, but it does mean that you share the same basic ideas and ideals about life and our world and how we should live in it. Because the two of you come from vastly different cultural backgrounds, this may from time to time be a challenge in your relationship. This is where your friends are very important. Our social circle can be very helpful. This is how we test different ideas and how they work among the people whom we know and love. Certain truths you know, but they bear repeating. Relationships are more important than money; living modestly is better than wasting our planet's finite resources; old, time-honoured values have more durability than the trendy solutions offered by our sadly devalued 21st century.

Anthony and Vanessa, between the two of you, you represent two vast and ancient cultures and historical traditions. Search out the best in both of them, be critical of both of them, weigh carefully what both have to say, and make your life together a beautiful amalgam of two contrasting and yet complementary world views.

Finally, remember that where friends are concerned, we say "the more the merrier". But where a marriage is concerned, we say "two is company, three is a crowd". The great 20th century philosopher Bertrand Russell was a longtime champion of free love. But in his autobiography we discover a man who was consumed by anguish and jealousy and grief because neither he nor his partners could cope with the pain of the other's unfaithfulness.

One of the greatest gifts that a husband can offer to his wife, or a wife to her husband, is the gift of faithfulness.

In just a couple of minutes, when you are making your marriage vows to each other, you will speak the words "to love and to cherish". The Oxford Dictionary defines "cherish" as "to hold in one's heart". This is real intimacy, and is not to be taken lightly.

Earlier this afternoon, Maggie read St. Paul's description of love in his first letter to the Corinthians. That inspired poetry suggests that love is a passion, one of the most deeply-felt passions, and it leads always to compassion and empathy. Those too are important characteristics in a successful marriage.

I believe that when the most important things in life need to be expressed, poetry and music are better than prose. And so I want to conclude with a short excerpt from a book which Jeremy gave me for my birthday almost three years ago. Its title is "The Prophet". Kahlil Gibran, the 19th and 20th century Lebanese poet, philosopher and artist is the author. On the subject of love, he writes:

"Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; for love is sufficient unto love...

Think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love; and to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; to rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; to return home at eventide with gratitude; and then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."

Anthony and Vanessa, you are founding a new family. You are doing God's will. May your love grow ever deeper and stronger. And may you be surrounded by a community which cares for you as you care for them.

May God bless you richly as you build your new family together. Amen.

中譯：
這是美好的一天，尤其對你們兩位——Anthony跟Vanessa來說，但對今天在這裡共聚一堂，為你們的愛情以及建立新家庭這個事實給予祝福的朋友和家人來說，也是如此。

Anthony，你的母親跟我從你還小的時候就知道，家庭對你很重要。Vanessa，雖然我們只認識妳一兩年，但在這段不算長的時間裡，我們很高興妳那麼渴望成為我們家的一份子。我們感覺到，家庭觀念對妳也很重要，我們張開雙手也打開我們的心，歡迎妳進入我們家。

今天你們公開對彼此、對上帝、對你們的家人宣布，你們希望建立一個真實的心家庭。這肯定是你們這輩子所做的事情當中最重要的一件事。

家庭觀念很平常，而且人們常常慢不經心濫用這個名詞。我們聽到大家在說有必要重振家庭觀念，重視家庭的價值。這通常不只是個狹隘的黨派或政治議題，而且跟我們今天在這裡一起慶祝的目的完全沒有關係。

這其實對於家庭的價值所表達的真心關切，而且那些有助於建立和樂家庭的價值觀可說是非常非常重要。

我們不用看太多例子就知道破碎家庭造成的傷害。夫妻不再相敬如賓、小孩心靈受創、社會問題增加。有太多人不夠重視家庭，也不打算為家庭奉獻自己、要求自己。

雖然我不知道台灣這裡的情況，但加拿大的統計處報告說，加拿大人的婚姻將近半數以離婚收場。你們想想看，這有多嚴重！所有那些緊張的新郎、那些亮麗的新娘，跟你們今天一樣肩並肩站著，互相許下承諾，覺得沒有任何事情能夠拆散他們，但是他們之中卻有將近半數的人有一天會獨自一個人站在律師事務所或離婚法庭上，他們的希望和期待、計畫和夢想完全破碎。

但也有婚姻一年又一年依然快樂如故的伴侶，兩人一起成長，共同度過疾病、金錢、工作上，有時候甚至是兒女方面的各種危機。Anthony，六天前你母親跟我一起慶祝我們結婚四十週年紀念日。在我們訂婚期間，我常常想到，能跟她一輩子廝守在一起、養兒育女，最後還一起迎接我們的兒孫來到我們這個家，並且能跟一個我深愛的人、我完全信任的人、我可以對她完全坦白、不用隱藏任何事的人一起白頭偕老，是多麼美好的事。

我可以跟你說，我跟你母親的婚姻生活一直都很美好，但是此時的感覺最幸福。我們兩個都祝福你們兩位也有相同的喜樂和滿足。

今天你們同意共組家庭，我們在這裡的每一個人都全心全意支持你們這個偉大的計畫。

建立一個家庭是很大的責任，能夠接納任何來源的智慧，對我們每個人都會比較好。在加拿大的倫敦擔任？？資深牧師多年的？？寫了一本講道的書，書名是《戀人與世界的爭執》。在其中一章的一個婚禮訓誡中，他對如何讓家庭幸福提出一些建議。

首先要瞭解，至少有兩個人的幸福掌握在你手中，那就是你跟你的配偶。詩人葉慈是這麼形容的：「我把我的夢想舖展在你腳下，請放輕腳步，因為你正踩在我的夢想上。」要常常看著彼此，想想那個人、那個人生，掌握在我手中。

第二個家庭幸福的要素是：瞭解耶穌說「人們結婚時就變成一體」的意思。這句話不僅是指性方面的結合，雖然那肯定是其中的一部分，而是指你們的生命完全交織在一起；其中一方的幸福與另一方的幸福密不可分。你們是伴侶，不是競爭對手。

第三個要素是，共同的價值觀。這並不是說，你們一定要一直對同樣的事情感興趣，而是說，你們的人生觀、世界觀、生活處事態度基本上要相同。因為你們兩個人來自差異懸殊的文化背景，這一點在你們的關係當中有時候可能會製造一些難題。這個時候，你們的朋友就非常重要了。我們的社交圈有可能會很有幫助，那是我們檢視不同的想法，以及我們認識、我們所愛的人對它們會有什麼反應的地方。有些真理你們耳熟能詳，但卻很值得一在引述。關係比金錢更重要；過得省一點比浪費地球的有限資源更好；古老的價值觀勝過於向下沉淪的二十一世紀所提供的時髦解決方案。

Anthony和Vanessa，你們兩個人分別代表兩種博大古老的文化和歷史傳統。找出兩者最好的優點、嚴格要求兩者、小心衡量兩者提出的觀念，一起創造你們的人生，讓它成為兩種既相對又互補的世界觀的美麗結晶。

最後，別忘了，提到朋友，我們說「人越多越熱鬧」，但提到婚姻，我們說「兩個恰恰好，三個太擠了」。二十世紀偉大的哲學家羅素長久以來是自由戀愛的冠軍，但在他的自傳中，我們看到的是一個充滿痛苦、嫉妒、哀傷的男人，因為她跟他的伴侶們都無法忍受對方的不忠。

一個丈夫能給自己的妻子，或妻子能給丈夫最好的禮物之一就是，忠實。

一兩分鐘之後，當你們互相許下婚姻誓約時，你們會說「？？」。牛津字典對「」這個字的定義是「懷抱在心中」，這是真正的親密，應該要認真看待。

今天下午稍早，？？朗誦了聖保羅在他寫給科林斯人的第一封信當中，對愛的描述。那首充滿靈感的詩暗示，愛是一種熱情，一種感覺最深刻的熱情之一，愛總是會引發人的慈悲心和同理心。這兩點也是幸福婚姻的重要特徵。

我相信在有必要表達生命中最重要事情的時候，詩跟音樂勝過於千言萬語。所以我想從一本將近三年前？？送我當生日禮物的書上，摘錄一段話作為結語。書名是《先知》，作者為十九到二十世紀間的黎巴嫩詩人、哲學家也是藝術家，紀伯侖。針對愛這個主題，他寫著：

「愛什麼都不給，只付出自己；愛什麼都不拿，只從自己身上拿出去。愛不占有，也不被占有；因為愛自給自足……

別想主宰愛的方向，因為愛如果覺得你值得，就會主宰你的方向。但如果你有了愛，因此有了欲望，那就讓下面這些成為你的欲望：

渴望自己融化，像一條奔流的小溪，哼唱自己的旋律直到夜裡。

渴望知道太多溫柔的痛苦是什麼滋味。

渴望因自己對愛的瞭解而受傷；留了血也心甘情願、甘之如飴。

帶著一顆飛翔的心在清晨醒來，對能夠愛人的另一天致上謝意；在中午時間休息，冥想愛的狂喜；傍晚回家滿懷感激；然後帶著你為心中摯愛的祈禱，唇邊哼著讚美歌入睡。」

Anthony跟Vanessa，你們正在組織新家庭。你們遵行上帝的旨意。但願你們的愛一天比一天深、一天比一天穩固，但願你們被你們關心而且也關心你們的人群圍繞。

願上帝保佑你們，協助你們共組心家庭。阿門。